i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
