peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
