I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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