Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
