I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
