You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
