Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
