Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
