i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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