Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
