I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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