your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
