Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
