I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
