worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
