I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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