I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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