Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
