the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
