apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
