if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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