I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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