i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
