so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
