It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
