He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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