I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize