How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
