I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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