Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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