i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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