The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
