All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
