so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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