I just pynch a tree in the face
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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