you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
porn star boner night. come get it.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Holy sore nipples Batman
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
