im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
