I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
