I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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