She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
