I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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