I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
