When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
