Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Two words: blizzard sex
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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