that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
