Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
