i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
