I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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