i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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