Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
