I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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