I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
