well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
