I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
