First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
