Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
