Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Houston, we have a squirter
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
