you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
