new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
