Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
